Alone
by CBloom2
Summary: Kind of a filling in some blanks from the episode Bloodlust from Sam's perspective told in the first person.  Trying to figure out how he felt with Dean befriending Gordon. Summary not good, hope story is.


**So this is another of my 'old' stories that I've dusted off and tweaked! Not one of my best but I tried to get into Sam's head, and we all know how hard that can be! **

**Takes place during Bloodlust, so spoilers for that episode. Hope its ok.**

**As usual I own nothing or no-one – just borrowing them again!**

**ALONE**

ALONE!

That about sums it up – how I feel at the moment! In fact if I think about it, I've felt like that since dad died.

I'm still with Dean. We hunt – we hurl insults at each other- we drive around in the Impala – just like before…only it's not like before.

Yeah I'm with Dean every day, all day in fact, yet I feel so alone. He talks to me, he looks at me, but I don't think he really sees me anymore.

During the last year we had started being brothers again after all those years apart. He'd helped me through everything – I really thought we were getting it back together again…Then the demon turned up again. There was the crash – Dad's death…

I'm still very worried about my brother. He still hasn't really grieved about dad. It's still there though – I can see it, every day. Periodically it comes to the surface in the form of almost uncontrollable anger – just like tonight…

I can't shake the look on Dean's face as he disconnected that vampires head from his body while rescuing Gordon. I never want to see that look on his face, ever again.

Gordon…looks like Dean's got a new best friend, cos here we are, sat in a bar with the two of them celebrating a successful night. My beer is untouched. I think I would probably throw up if I tried to drink it. I thought I was covering it well, "You're quiet Sammy – you ok?"

Bang up job there Sam! I managed to force a smile and nod my head.

"Yeah Sammy, you're not drinking," Gordon added, making my blood boil. I swing my gaze over to him, "Nobody calls me that, except him," I growled at him, moving my head towards my brother.

"I'm sorry," He doesn't mean it, "No offence meant!"

I look to Dean, who normally in a situation such as this is jumping to my defence, but he's just sat there shaking his head in disappointment. I've had enough, "Look, I don't want to drag you down, I'm going back to the motel."

"You sure?" Dean asks, as he delves into his pockets for the car keys. I nod. I don't want to be there anymore. As I leave, I can hear their laughter sounding through the bar. Are they laughing at me?

I can feel my eyes begin to sting. 'For god's sake, suck it up geek boy' I berate myself. I allow my self a small smile at the irony – I'm sounding like my brother now.

I got back to the motel, slung my jacket onto my bed and began to pace. So much nervous energy, no-where to channel it. Why does Gordon make me so nervous? He can't be that bad. I haven't had any visions or anything about him. Am I feeling jealous because Dean took an instant liking to the man, seemingly at the expense of our relationship? Get over yourself Sam! Dean doesn't have to hang on your every word…

But still, something isn't right about Gordon. Perhaps I should phone Ellen – she might know.

Ten minutes later, I'm more screwed up than ever. Ellen said that Gordon was a great hunter, but when I told her that we were working with him, she told me not to…that he's to focused. What the hell did she mean by that? Why is that such a bad thing?

I start to massage my forehead as a small, dull ache begins to make itself known. It's just a headache – nothing supernatural this time. I decide that I need a soda, so I nip out the machine just in front of the room next door. As I make my way back to our room, a chill descends upon me causing the hairs on the back of my neck to stand on end – someone is out there. I stop at the door and spin around, but there's no-one there. What was I expecting…I find myself smiling a little as I opened the door, unable to believe how jumpy I am.

Suddenly everything goes black. When I come to I'm tied to a chair and my head is covered with a type of hood.

Great, Dean'll have a field day with this!

What must have been a few hours later, I'm back at the motel. The vampires that took me brought me back, unharmed – unharmed apart from my still pounding heart and unsteady legs. I see the light on in our room and surmised that Dean was back. I took a deep breath and went in. Gordon was with him. He was sitting across from my brother, with a map sprawled out in front of them. They must have been discussing a hunt, "Where have you been?" Dean asked. Do I see a twinge of relief at my return crossing his face…perhaps not! "Can we talk outside …alone…?"

Dean looks to Gordon, who nods his head, "Sure."

Outside in the frosty parking lot I told him what had just happened to me, "You found the nest? How many did you kill?" That was all he wanted to know. He wasn't interested in the fact that a bunch of vampires had just kidnapped me or that they weren't like other vamps – they didn't drink human blood. I tried to make him understand, but it fell on deaf ears, "Look I don't know why the let you go, in fact I don't care why they let you go..." Anything else that he added after that was lost in a sea of anguish that washed over me. He might as well had ripped my heart out there and then and stamped all over it! He didn't care that they'd let me go – my own brother. Then he began rambling on about Gordon and trusting his instincts. I told him that I'd called Ellen and she warned against trusting him, "Like I'd trust anything she says – we barely know her," he said.

"Yeah and Gordon's such a good friend!" I spat. Then I made probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I accused Dean of trying to replace dad with Gordon. That earned me a punch in the mouth. It hurt like hell, but I wasn't going to let him see that. I couldn't read the look in his eyes. There wasn't hate or anger… there was just nothing.

We made our way back into the room, then realised that Gordon was missing…

So now, hereI am, with a knife to my throat and blood dripping from my arm, courtesy of Gordon trying to prove a point. Dean's pointing his gun at him and now I _can_ see anger in his eyes. I can also see a trace of fear…fear for me? I have to say that my heart beats a little faster at that thought.

My blood is dropping onto Lenore's face, her fangs are bared. But she's not like any other vampires that we've come across. Neither she nor her associates drink human blood, but Gordon doesn't see it like that. Dean seems to now though.

'Come on, don't let me down…' I will her not to take a drop.

Suddenly her fangs retract as her head drops forward. She's in bad shape. I feel bad for her - she only wanted to live her own life. She wasn't hurting anybody. But Gordon didn't see shades of gray – only black and white.

I glanced over to my quiet brother. He was pale and swallowing nervously. He caught my eye, "Get her out of here Sam, me and Gordon here have some unfinished business," Dean said coldly. I nodded and picked the stricken young woman up in my arms. She was shaking hard due to the poison coursing through her veins. I looked at Dean as I left. His face was like stone!

I took Lenore back to the rest of her friends, who didn't seem that pleased to see me. Although, considering that I brought their friend back to them poisoned, bloody and half alive…I'm surprised they didn't kill me!

I watched as they left town, then I made my way back to my brother unsure of what I would find when I got back to him.

I entered the dank, dusty room as the first tendrils of sun shone through the dilapidated shutters on the windows. Gordon was tied to a chair looking slightly worse for wear. Dean was pacing up and down like a caged tiger, "Did I miss anything?" I asked trying to ease some of the tension. Dean stopped his pacing and patted my arm with a slight smirk on his face, "Nah, not really. Me and Gordon sorted a few things out."

"You ready to go?" I asked. I sure as hell was. I wanted to forget ever meeting Gordon.

"Just got one more thing…" Dean replied as he threw an uppercut to under Gordon's lower jaw, which sent him and the chair tumbling to the ground. I couldn't help but wince, having been on the receiving end of one of those punches, not so long ago.

Dean looked down at him, "One last thing Gordy, I respect you as a hunter…but you should know, for future reference that nobody and I mean nobody messes with my brother…ever!" Dean finished with a smile.

"Good," he nodded as he walked up to me, "I'm good, we can go now," he finished as he walked past me, out of the door.

I stepped out into the bright sun of the morning, flexing my injured arm, "You ok Sammy?"

I nodded. I was ok.

"Hey Sammy – come on take a swing at me."

"What?" I asked confused as to what he was asking me to do.

"Come on take a swing. It's a freebie," he finished, opening his arms in surrender.

"Dean you look like you've gone 12 rounds with a slab of concrete! I'll take a rain check." I smiled. I was actually beginning to relax a little with my brother, for the first time since Dad died. Maybe we would get through this after all. I glanced at Dean who was mumbling something about wanting to kill Lenore and all her friends – and that not everything was black and white, "But you didn't kill them. That's the difference," I said as an explanation.

Dean was leaning on the car now, "Yeah, I guess so. But you're still a monster pain in the ass," he insisted.

I smiled to myself as I opened the passenger door, "Thanks Sammy," Deans said quietly. I stole a glance at him and he looked like the old Dean again, my brother, "Anytime," I answered and I meant it. I hoped that he finally realised that I am there for him whenever he needs me.

As the familiar rumble of the Impala lulled me into sleep on our new journey to god knows where, I noticed that Dean had turned down the radio so that I wouldn't be disturbed. My eyes drifted shut, with a small contented smile on my face.

Suddenly, I didn't feel so alone anymore…

**So there it is. It's not great (IMO) but I don't think it's too bad. I used a little of the dialogue from the show, but I don't think I got it word for word.**

**I don't think I'll be writing again on one person's point of view – it's tough. I'm sure I haven't done Sam justice here.**

**Hopefully you've read it so I hope you review. Just remember not to be too cruel! Thanks to all**


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